WONDER

Do you ever wonder why the sky is blue or the grass is green? Why certain things happen or don't? I should've been a cat...I'm so darn curious about things. The definition of wonder is... to think or speculate curiously: to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe;to doubt ;something strange and surprising; a cause of surprise, astonishment, or admiration. Is wonder a good or bad thing? Can wonder lead to over thinking? Where do you draw the line? or does wonder not have a line? I WONDER!

DEFINITION

My failures do not define me, they make me a better person. If your willing to learn from them and apply it you've done the right thing.  I have had disappointment and failure alot. Im choosing to accept disappointment and my failures and learn to live.  Im ready to live!

The fog has cleared.

Ahhh finally... today was a great day. Have you ever been a bit foggy in the head and cant make the fog disappear? Man I've been feeling hazy for a week or so. BUT today it cleared up nicely. I cant wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow is a day of new things. Taking one situation and person at a time and adjusting things to be good for my life. I cant wait. I know it may take a long time but I'm ready for the challenge!

BOUNDRIES!

I've been accused of being selfish, crazy, and self-centered. So, I guess its time to really do so. It is time to take every single person in my life and evaluate what positive influence they have towards me. If they do not offer that to me then i will place you in my array of circles that surround my life. Boundaries if you will.  My boundaries start close to me and reach out far. I will place you in the appropriate boundary and restart this life of mine. I cannot allow any more crap. If you do not add to my life or do not want to take the effort to be a part of it then i suggest you find someone else you can give half-ass to. Yes this sounds very self-centered and selfish but i am tired of trying to figure it all out. Boundaries up they go and very few will be let in to the center circle. Oh and one last self-centered thing....i don't give a shit what you think. If you think you are perfect and don't have much to work on then you are fooling yourself. Oh wait another thing....its more than a day of change...its lifetime. Its my life and would rather have very few close to me then many people who are crap. Welcome to the closed off protected Tonya!

AWAKENING

WOW i cant believe things come into my life when they do. I have learned so much by recent events. I know that sometimes things are too good to be true. Too good smacked me in the face because it wasn't too good it was BS! You know BS comes in many forms and i have to say that this form had an amazing disguise. Talk about gullible. I am the definition of gullible...easily deceived. Shady has a new face. I knew that it was out there but i didn't realize i allowed it into my life. Here's the plus side. I have many amazing non-shady people in my life who ARE too good! TOO GOOD TO ME! I love you all who have no shady but sunshine for my life!!! THANK YOU!!!

PATIENCE

Oh the power of patience. One of the hardest things to learn to be. Patience is powerful. It forces you to learn things. Some good....some not so good. This time patience has taught me more than i wanted to know. Sometimes its best to be forced to learn a few things. Thank you patience for setting me straight on a few things.

THE UGLY TRUTH

Life is full of one selfish act leading to the next. It a generation that is about "me" or "i". That your in it all on your own and if you want to be with someone you have to accept them for their fallacy even if they should  fix it. Understand that "unconditional" is not a verb anymore.

Or should it go like this...

Life is full of imperfect people. Ones who make mistakes and are willing to admit that they are not perfect and willing to be a better person. To take one day at a time and realize that if its a bad one the next could be amazing. To remember that your an amazing person and that you have a lot to add and share with the world.

I don't think we should lie to each other and say that there is a "perfect" life. But why not want to strive to make one. Why not be ok with mistakes? Isn't learning to cope and getting back up the very best part? Isn't it what makes you a stronger person?

Hold your head up high. Remember that you are worth "getting back up". That's the part that makes you a better person. Isn't that what we all should want to be?

ME!

Marilyn Monroe once said something like, if you cant accept me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best. Im not a bad contributing member of society. I may not be how you deal with things or handle situations but i do the best i can. How many times do i have to tell someone that i feel emotions times 10. I just wish certain people could understand and accept me unconditionally. But since they cant or wont i guess this is just who i am and if you cant understand then you can fall away. I would rather be alone than try to mold into something i am not.

THE FORK IN THE ROAD

You know that one moment in your life that you should stop for a minute and say..."This is it. This is the moment that will change my life."  Why fear the decision. Do we all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Sounds like such a shame. A wasted life. Ruin is a gift. Ruin IS the road to transformation.
 

USED

There is only so many times someone can feel used before they decide enough is enough. Feeling 2nd best is never a good feeling. Why would someone continue to take that kind of abuse? Maybe they haven't come to the conclusion that they deserve better. Ive decided that today and everyday in my future that i will NOT accept anything but someones best. I don't want to feel like i'm a space filler but someone who is anothers first thought. If i knew that i was making someone i care about feel like, they are just there when there is no one else, i would feel terrible. I DESERVE THE BEST! No exceptions, just reality. If your not willing to do so...move along to someone who is willing to be that person.

TRANSPARENT

 A person who thinks they are one person and really is someone who wants to believe that that's who they are. You don't hide from anyone. If you think that its been rough for you just remember... what goes around comes around. Enjoy your transparency. I'm sure it will take you no place but your current existence. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU!

EMOTION

Have you ever felt every emotion you can think of. Its like a tornado in your body. It reaches every part of you. It finds its way to your knees, hands, feet, head, and your heart. They may be at times overwhelming and hard to get through but they are also the most amazing feelings in the world. They last lifetimes. They take specific moments from your life and make you remember them. That's pretty incredible if you think about it. So take those wonderful moments and savor them, enjoy them, roll around with them. Just don't take them for granted because they could disappear.

SIGH

 

To let out one's breath audibly, as from sorrow, weariness, or relief. to yearn or long; pine. Yup that pretty much explains it!  

CLOUD9

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived!

NORMAL

Who set the standard for normal? And then who told them that they were the standard?  If you ask me i don't want normal. In any way or form. Normal sounds so boring. I don't want to be a standard. I want to be above standard. So if normal is what you seek then standard you will be. I want to be abnormal. Not average. Not typical. Not usual. It just sounds more exciting way to live!

GUTS

Have you ever spilled your guts and its either been amazing or the worst mistake of your life? I believe spilling it refers to an over abundance of feelings and emotions or even words that need to come out. There are many times where i want to SO bad and i don't or i do without thinking and wish i could take it all back. Ive come to the realization that your "GUTS" comes from the most inner part of you. Where you hold your feelings of love, hate, anger, happiness, contentment, excitement and many more. I wish that those moments where i cant hold them back i should have to answer a 25 question test to make sure its the right thing to do. My "guts" are important. Its what makes me who i am and protecting them and guarding them is what i SHOULD do best. Oh, and today's life lesson... if I cant keep them in, find someone I can trust to spill them out on who will keep them just as protected as i would.

WORDS

People use many words throughout their day. They are usually the same words everyone else uses. Today is a day of descriptive words. The words that when you read them it makes you feel them or you see them in your head. When you read RAW PASSION it makes you think of all kinds of things from feelings to sensations and experiences. The dictionary states that passion is “a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything,.” One of the definitions of raw is painfully open. So raw passion is painfully open to extravagant fondness and desire. That word makes you think. It makes you feel, and it makes you see.

LETTER TO JULIET

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

"I don't know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true
then it why wouldn't it be true
now? You need only the courage to
follow your heart..."

"I don't know what a love like that
feels like... a love to leave loved
ones for, a love to cross oceans
for... but I'd like to believe if I
ever felt it. I'd have the courage
to seize it. I hope you had the
courage to seize it, Claire. And if
you didn't, I hope one day that you
will."

VENTS

I don't complain much but today is one of those days that i just cant not. I'm unhappy with my current attitude! I'm annoyed by everybody and everything. A bunch of annoying people in my life. All about them and its sickening!!! OK that's better. Attitude in check! MUCH BETTER