THE LEANING POST

I wish for everyone of you  to have that perfect leaning post. A place where you can rest your thoughts and get encouragement. A place where you know is always there to keep you standing and to help keep you strong. But remember that leaning post may not be just for you. That leaning post may be for many people. I hope that that leaning post stays strong to always be there because one day that leaning post may not be there. It has fell over. It didn't have a leaning post to lean on. If we all be a leaning post for another then we can keep each other strong.

What kind of leaning post are you?

ME

I cant always be strong when i'm leaned upon. I cant always be happy when someone needs a lift. I cant always let out or reign in my emotions when its the appropriate time. I cant always be anything but Tonya. I'm OK with it. Are you?

PARTY OF ONE

All the emotions flow through me like a faucet. The only problem is that i don't have an on/off button. I know moments where i shouldn't feel a certain way or i should feel something and i don't. today isn't the first day this has happened. I am angry, sad, disappointed, and on the other side i feel very clear about things. Maybe i shouldn't be angry but i am. I've been let down. Wanna know what it feels like to hope for something and then when you get so close and so happy and so excited then its like..sorry Tonya..just kidding ...you don't get any of those feelings and experiences. I will be ok with it all. I always am.And here's my pity party...it happens to me alot so i get used to it. So now that my pity was a party of one i will get over it and though it. I always do. So tomorrow its time to think of the present and my future and let go of the past. I'm ready to be happy and look forward to something that's concrete. Just living day by day and being happy about the small things. I'm ready to wake up tomorrow.

APPRECIATION

Being taught to appreciate who really matters is a toughy. You just need to remember who and who doesn't have your best interest. I think its a lesson to have to learn several times in ones life. Just remember, don't waste your time on those who do not really want to be in your life and focus on those who do!

MORNINGS

As i sit here on my couch with all the windows open... i just sit and listen. I hear the birds, others across the street, and my own voice in my head. These moments i take the time to reflect on my life. My successes and my failures. The things in my life that are wonderful and those that i need to work on. I enjoy these moments. They happen about once a week or so and i love every minute of them. Whether you look at your failures and figure out how you can make them better or you reflect on the wonderful things you have that are positive...its still an amazing moment before you start your day. Take time for yourself. Take those minutes to encourage yourself and the day ahead of you. Today is the start of an amazing day! Lets live it!

COURTESY CARE

Are you really that fake? So fake that everyone who talks to you laughs when you walk away. Do you not know that people don't like you? You must be so self absorbed that you cant see that you are not a pleasure to be around? I wish people would just be real. Why be fake? Why be something you're not? Why try to be someone else or have someone elses experiences. BE YOURSELF! At least you would be seen as real.
Oh and while I'm complaining...I'm tired of takers. People who take, take, take and never give or if they do its only because they know they are takers and feel its the right thing to do to give a bit. I just rather you be on your way and not ask  since its only a courtesy care. I'm over it and you.

ACTUALITY

You know you cannot change someone even if you wanted to.  We are all made so differently. We all have positives and negatives to us. NO ONE IS EVEN CLOSE TO PERFECTION!  We try our hardest to get someone to see from our opinion or change them to what you know and are. We all need to learn to accept and understand that no matter how hard we try, people will only change if they wish and if its their idea to do so. Theirs nothing wrong with setting a standard in which to live by but understand its not others standard. ITS YOUR OWN! I do believe that if we can realize that we are not perfect or right all the time or that what we think is the best choice and open our minds to someone else i really do believe that that teaches you to grow. Not only in love relationships like boyfriends, girlfriends, marriage partners.....I'm talking about all people. You all add to my life and i add to yours. Whether not you accept that or not its reality. I'm all for saying...if you don't like me for who i am than go away, but remember this...are you "go away" material. As Ice Cube would say...."Check yourself before you wreck yourself".

HAZY

Ever feel a bit hazy. Like you just feel like you aimlessly wondering around in fog trying to find your way? Im tired of just wondering around. Somebody get me a fan!

PRINCESS

I've been pondering today. I think that the word Princess, in reference to a term of endearment, should be used a bit more often. Not in the spoiled brat sense but as a state of mind. My definition of Princess is... feeling important, to be set apart from others, someone who deserves to feel special every single day. What woman in their right mind doesnt want that!? I know i do! So i;ve decided to call myself Princess Tonya every day when i look in the mirror...i wonder if i just started announcing it to people when i enter the room it will catch on! HAHAHAHA Just messin. Honestly though it does sound like a great feeling to have. Even if its not being called princess but just receiving that feeling i think we as women should experience that often!

PLAYACTION

Today was a day that i had to put my guard up and put my boundaries into action. I encountered a person who i had to place into an outer ring of boundaries. And wanna know something...it didnt hurt. It was easy. BIG RED FLAG and i recognized it and placed them before i was super invested. I am very proud of myself today. HIGH FIVE TONYA! LOL

WONDER

Do you ever wonder why the sky is blue or the grass is green? Why certain things happen or don't? I should've been a cat...I'm so darn curious about things. The definition of wonder is... to think or speculate curiously: to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe;to doubt ;something strange and surprising; a cause of surprise, astonishment, or admiration. Is wonder a good or bad thing? Can wonder lead to over thinking? Where do you draw the line? or does wonder not have a line? I WONDER!

DEFINITION

My failures do not define me, they make me a better person. If your willing to learn from them and apply it you've done the right thing.  I have had disappointment and failure alot. Im choosing to accept disappointment and my failures and learn to live.  Im ready to live!

The fog has cleared.

Ahhh finally... today was a great day. Have you ever been a bit foggy in the head and cant make the fog disappear? Man I've been feeling hazy for a week or so. BUT today it cleared up nicely. I cant wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow is a day of new things. Taking one situation and person at a time and adjusting things to be good for my life. I cant wait. I know it may take a long time but I'm ready for the challenge!

BOUNDRIES!

I've been accused of being selfish, crazy, and self-centered. So, I guess its time to really do so. It is time to take every single person in my life and evaluate what positive influence they have towards me. If they do not offer that to me then i will place you in my array of circles that surround my life. Boundaries if you will.  My boundaries start close to me and reach out far. I will place you in the appropriate boundary and restart this life of mine. I cannot allow any more crap. If you do not add to my life or do not want to take the effort to be a part of it then i suggest you find someone else you can give half-ass to. Yes this sounds very self-centered and selfish but i am tired of trying to figure it all out. Boundaries up they go and very few will be let in to the center circle. Oh and one last self-centered thing....i don't give a shit what you think. If you think you are perfect and don't have much to work on then you are fooling yourself. Oh wait another thing....its more than a day of change...its lifetime. Its my life and would rather have very few close to me then many people who are crap. Welcome to the closed off protected Tonya!

AWAKENING

WOW i cant believe things come into my life when they do. I have learned so much by recent events. I know that sometimes things are too good to be true. Too good smacked me in the face because it wasn't too good it was BS! You know BS comes in many forms and i have to say that this form had an amazing disguise. Talk about gullible. I am the definition of gullible...easily deceived. Shady has a new face. I knew that it was out there but i didn't realize i allowed it into my life. Here's the plus side. I have many amazing non-shady people in my life who ARE too good! TOO GOOD TO ME! I love you all who have no shady but sunshine for my life!!! THANK YOU!!!

PATIENCE

Oh the power of patience. One of the hardest things to learn to be. Patience is powerful. It forces you to learn things. Some good....some not so good. This time patience has taught me more than i wanted to know. Sometimes its best to be forced to learn a few things. Thank you patience for setting me straight on a few things.

THE UGLY TRUTH

Life is full of one selfish act leading to the next. It a generation that is about "me" or "i". That your in it all on your own and if you want to be with someone you have to accept them for their fallacy even if they should  fix it. Understand that "unconditional" is not a verb anymore.

Or should it go like this...

Life is full of imperfect people. Ones who make mistakes and are willing to admit that they are not perfect and willing to be a better person. To take one day at a time and realize that if its a bad one the next could be amazing. To remember that your an amazing person and that you have a lot to add and share with the world.

I don't think we should lie to each other and say that there is a "perfect" life. But why not want to strive to make one. Why not be ok with mistakes? Isn't learning to cope and getting back up the very best part? Isn't it what makes you a stronger person?

Hold your head up high. Remember that you are worth "getting back up". That's the part that makes you a better person. Isn't that what we all should want to be?

ME!

Marilyn Monroe once said something like, if you cant accept me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best. Im not a bad contributing member of society. I may not be how you deal with things or handle situations but i do the best i can. How many times do i have to tell someone that i feel emotions times 10. I just wish certain people could understand and accept me unconditionally. But since they cant or wont i guess this is just who i am and if you cant understand then you can fall away. I would rather be alone than try to mold into something i am not.

THE FORK IN THE ROAD

You know that one moment in your life that you should stop for a minute and say..."This is it. This is the moment that will change my life."  Why fear the decision. Do we all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Sounds like such a shame. A wasted life. Ruin is a gift. Ruin IS the road to transformation.
 

USED

There is only so many times someone can feel used before they decide enough is enough. Feeling 2nd best is never a good feeling. Why would someone continue to take that kind of abuse? Maybe they haven't come to the conclusion that they deserve better. Ive decided that today and everyday in my future that i will NOT accept anything but someones best. I don't want to feel like i'm a space filler but someone who is anothers first thought. If i knew that i was making someone i care about feel like, they are just there when there is no one else, i would feel terrible. I DESERVE THE BEST! No exceptions, just reality. If your not willing to do so...move along to someone who is willing to be that person.

TRANSPARENT

 A person who thinks they are one person and really is someone who wants to believe that that's who they are. You don't hide from anyone. If you think that its been rough for you just remember... what goes around comes around. Enjoy your transparency. I'm sure it will take you no place but your current existence. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU!

EMOTION

Have you ever felt every emotion you can think of. Its like a tornado in your body. It reaches every part of you. It finds its way to your knees, hands, feet, head, and your heart. They may be at times overwhelming and hard to get through but they are also the most amazing feelings in the world. They last lifetimes. They take specific moments from your life and make you remember them. That's pretty incredible if you think about it. So take those wonderful moments and savor them, enjoy them, roll around with them. Just don't take them for granted because they could disappear.

SIGH

 

To let out one's breath audibly, as from sorrow, weariness, or relief. to yearn or long; pine. Yup that pretty much explains it!  

CLOUD9

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived!

NORMAL

Who set the standard for normal? And then who told them that they were the standard?  If you ask me i don't want normal. In any way or form. Normal sounds so boring. I don't want to be a standard. I want to be above standard. So if normal is what you seek then standard you will be. I want to be abnormal. Not average. Not typical. Not usual. It just sounds more exciting way to live!

GUTS

Have you ever spilled your guts and its either been amazing or the worst mistake of your life? I believe spilling it refers to an over abundance of feelings and emotions or even words that need to come out. There are many times where i want to SO bad and i don't or i do without thinking and wish i could take it all back. Ive come to the realization that your "GUTS" comes from the most inner part of you. Where you hold your feelings of love, hate, anger, happiness, contentment, excitement and many more. I wish that those moments where i cant hold them back i should have to answer a 25 question test to make sure its the right thing to do. My "guts" are important. Its what makes me who i am and protecting them and guarding them is what i SHOULD do best. Oh, and today's life lesson... if I cant keep them in, find someone I can trust to spill them out on who will keep them just as protected as i would.

WORDS

People use many words throughout their day. They are usually the same words everyone else uses. Today is a day of descriptive words. The words that when you read them it makes you feel them or you see them in your head. When you read RAW PASSION it makes you think of all kinds of things from feelings to sensations and experiences. The dictionary states that passion is “a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything,.” One of the definitions of raw is painfully open. So raw passion is painfully open to extravagant fondness and desire. That word makes you think. It makes you feel, and it makes you see.

LETTER TO JULIET

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

"I don't know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true
then it why wouldn't it be true
now? You need only the courage to
follow your heart..."

"I don't know what a love like that
feels like... a love to leave loved
ones for, a love to cross oceans
for... but I'd like to believe if I
ever felt it. I'd have the courage
to seize it. I hope you had the
courage to seize it, Claire. And if
you didn't, I hope one day that you
will."

VENTS

I don't complain much but today is one of those days that i just cant not. I'm unhappy with my current attitude! I'm annoyed by everybody and everything. A bunch of annoying people in my life. All about them and its sickening!!! OK that's better. Attitude in check! MUCH BETTER

HAPPINESS

Are you happy? Whether your happy or trying to make happiness, we all want and need it.  Happiness isn't in things, its in how you live your life, the time spent, or the feelings you give. The things that cant be bought is where you find happiness. That's the kind of happiness that lasts a lifetime and it can be seen from miles away from friends and family.

why - secondhand serenade

PRIVACY

There comes a time in a persons life where they just want a bit of privacy. Lets all remember what the word means... the state of being free from intrusion or disturbance in one's private life or affairs: the right to privacy.  So just because someone wants privacy doesn't make them shady, it makes them want to have something that's just theirs for themselves. A boundary of respect if you will. Did you know privacy and trust go hand in hand? You trust someone to respect your privacy. You either trust someone to keep something private or you trust someone to allow you to have privacy. Dont violate someones privacy because it estentially effects their trust in you.

SELFISHNESS

Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOU! If just one word descibes you its not a good thing. Remember life doesnt revolve around you. It revolves around others, including the people you dont like. If you think the world revolves around you then you will eventually be all alone because nobody will want to be around that/you.
Although people want to be happy they fail to see doing for others and caring and respecting others brings that much more happiness. Remember you are always being watched. Is how your acting what you want others to percieve you as?

OPENING EYES

Today is a day of eye opening situations. I truly believe that every day holds moments where you make decisions and choices that will enlighten you and make you see new doors open or even close. BUT the good thing is behind all those doors are new adventures where you can learn, grow, and find new happiness. OPEN your eyes today. SEE what the world has to offer you!

TODAY

Today was just another day off. It was cloudy and peaceful. It was a day of accomplishments for hardwork that has been done. I reminded myself of the wonderful world of choices and that i made good ones in the past week. Open the door to next week and predetermine your choices you will make. It will help you, i promise!